Hiroshima '45 - Tchernobyl '86 - Windows '95 % How do you make Windows faster? --- Throw it harder! % Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I! % Who the fuck is General Failure? And why is he reading my harddisk? % Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows. % What's the difference between windows '95 and highly destructive unstoppable virus? About 90 Megs of hard disk space. % I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying... % Windows found - remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K % Windows '95: how do you want to crash today ??? % What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? - One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie. % Microsoft bought MS-DOS from a Seattle company, and it was called QDOS then (Quick and Dirty Operating System). Some say it is not quick anymore, but the rest stays the same. --- Wilson Roberto Afonso % Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN! % DOS Error #04: Out of disk space. Delete Windows? (Y)es (H)ell yes! % DOS Error #03: Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance % "Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM." -- Bill Gates, 1996 "Nobody will ever need Windows 95." -- logical conclusion from Bernhard Rosenkraenzer % Windows95 - Plug and pray... % Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS % Windows - a solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD % Windows - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy % Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files! % If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual? % "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate" % The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches. It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an hourglass...") % Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows % Alt-F4. Just do it. % Double your drive space: Delete Windows! % Microsoft is to Software as McDonalds is to Cuisine % Does someone know the cheats for Windows95? % This is an airconditioned room - Do not open Windows! % Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows. % This virus requires Microsoft Windows 3.x % OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,Y]" % Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?" % Windows95 - crash compatible on Windows 3.x % Windows NT - Nice Try % Windows - a virus with mouse support % The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. % Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer! - Erik Naggum % Last words of a Windows user: a. Why does that work now? b. Where do I have to click now? - There? c. Message box: "Data not completely delete? Yes - No" --- User: "No - ey - Yes" % Microsoft gives you Windows... OS/2 gives you the whole house % Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\> % Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS!" % Windows '96 will also have artificial intelligence, e.g.: + Unable to FORMAT A: Having a go at C: + Can't Compress Hard Drive but don't worry I'll delete all files over size 50,000 that'll give you some space. % DOS Error #01: Windows loading, come back tomorrow % DOS Error #02: Windows loaded. System in danger. % Windows Error #01: No error... ...yet. % Windows Error #02: Multitasking attempted. System confused. % Windows Error #03: Unexplaind error. % Windows Error #04: Reserved for future mistakes % Windows Error #05: Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening. % Windows95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013) % Windows95: New look, same multicrashing % Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading % Windows95 - Every function is a restart function... % Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time. % Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty % Windows NT? New Technology? I don't think so... % Windows - Turn your Pentium into an XT... % Windows - a XT emulator for an AT % If Windows sucked it would be good for something % DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1 % DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell % Windows Multitasking - screwing up several things at once % Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time! % Are you using Windows or is that just an XT? % Have you crashed your Windows today? % OS/2... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates % New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++ % Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile! % A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle % Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail. % What's the best of Windows95? The deinstaller! % Why is the Pentium 166 so fast? - It's for booting faster, if Windows crashed again. % Windows, it's not pretty, it's not ugly, but it's pretty ugly. % The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. % "One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer" - Adolf Hitler % micros~1.exe : This company has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact your vendor or appeal to a higher court. From a /. user talking about MS breaking % () ascii ribbon campaign - against html e-mail /\ www.asciiribbon.org - against proprietary attachments % "I love the way Microsoft follows standards. In much the same manner that fish follow migrating caribou." -- Paul Tomblin, ASR % "The ultimate result is that some innovations that would truly benefit consumers never occur for the sole reason that they do not coincide with Microsoft's self-interest." -- Thomas Penfield Jackson, U.S. District Judge, in Findings of Fact % Microsoft lives in a world where nirvana and world peace are just one service pack away... the service pack that ain't released quite yet % On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT ...except teardrop users :) % Microsoft seems to have gotten a lot of mileage out of the C2 rating for NT with no network connection. I wonder if a B3 rating for Linux with no power cord might be of value. (Seen on the kernel mailing list and sent in by Michael Driscoll) % "How will Microsoft develop Windows 2015? Hire 1 million developpers and 2 million code scrubbers" Business Week % There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" ......... He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. % Those who can't write programs, write help files. % Don't worry about the 400 millions PCs out there - there are 6 billion people ont the planet, worry about the other 5.6 billion people. John "maddog" Hall % If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... ..oh wait, he does. % Microsoft sumus. Resistere inutile est % I pledge allegiance to Microsoft and its mighty state of Hysteria and to the FUDness for which it stands one workstation, under Bill, with bloat and BSOD for all % These download files are in Microsoft Word 6.0 format. After unzipping, these files can be viewed in any text editor, including all versions of Microsoft Word, WordPad, and Microsoft Word Viewer -- From Micro$oft % DISCLAIMER : No Windows were crashed during the writing of this email. % Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. % If you really want to toggle IE into secure mode you just need to click the little "X" in the top right corner of the window. -- dsb3, Slashdot, 12 Dec. 2001 % Windows LongHorn is a 64-bit padding of a 32-bit shell for a 16-bit extension to an 8-bit operating system designed for a 4-bit microprocessor by a 2-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition. % XP : An emoticon that signifies "laughing really hard while sticking out the tongue." % I don't know if security explains why the Win95 support Web servers run BSDI 2.0--an Intel-based Unix--rather than Windows NT, which Microsoft insists is the ideal Web software solution. Does Redmond know something we don't know?" -Robert X. Cringely, INFORWORLD, 9/11/95 % "A world, some 40 thousand kilometres in circumference, circles its sun in a perfect sweep that takes 24 hours, precisely." [Windows 95 marketing blurb] % Powered by Linux + Windows (nobody's perfect) % "The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners" - Ernst Jan Plugge % In an industry without walls or a ceiling, who needs Windows or Gates? % In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates? % "What is it that Linux has that no other operating system has? A cuddly, lovable, silly-looking mascot. If we play our cards right, the Linux penguin could be the next mass-consumer hit product. Can you imagine a Windows flag competing against our penguin? No, this time Mr. Gates has definitely dropped the ball and we're in exactly the right position to pick it up. Forget Microsoft, they're history. Start worrying about Mattel and the Barbie doll!" -- Lars Wirzenius % > How do I run Crack under DOS/Win95? Reformat your hard-drive and install Linux, then try again. CAUTION: this process may lose data. -+- Crack in Guide du linuxien pervers : "Il y a toujours une solution !" % >The beards of women, the noise from cats' steps and the breath of >fishes, IIRC. Ah, they used some really rare stuff; i'm surprised they didn't tie him to a stable Win/NT system too. -+- on asr -+- % "If something's expensive to develop, and somebody's not going to get paid, it won't get developed. So you decide: Do you want software to be written, or not?" - Bill Gates doesn't foresee the FSF or Linux, 1980. % One GUI to rule them all, One GUI to find them One GUI to bring them all, and with the blue screen bind them In the land of Redmond, where the shadows lie. % Windows has no users. It has hostages. % Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips." % Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush. % People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'. % A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting. % I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'. % "Although about 3 million computers get sold every year in China, but people don't pay for the software. Someday they will, though. As long as they are going to steal it, we want them to steal ours. They'll get sort of addicted, and then we'll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade." -- Bill Gates, CEO Microsoft (1998) (source http://news.com.com/2100-1023-212942.html?legacy=cnet) % Windows Vista: It's like upgrading from Bill Clinton to George W. Bush. % Crap... Someone knocked over my recycle bin... There's icons all over my desktop... % Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it. User: What's your computer doing on mine? % I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing. %